THE TROUBLE WITH BUMPERS

. . . or how I've let my agency slip away (and how I'm getting it back)

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about personal agency — and more specifically, why so many people seem afraid to let others have it. And, what’s been sitting even heavier with me is this: why are we so quick to strip it from ourselves?

For most of my adult life, I’ve been someone who knew what I wanted (and went after it), made my own decisions, and trusted myself to solve any puzzle put in front of me. I made choices that often didn’t make sense to anyone else and I was never afraid to “color outside the lines.” In fact, I relished it.

But lately… I’ve felt that sense of agency slipping.

My usual “Yes! I’ll try that!” has shifted to “Hmm… let me think about it.” I’ve found myself second-guessing. Pumping the brakes in places where I used to hit the gas. Working hard to convince myself that I’m making the “rational” decision — even when it doesn’t sit quite right.

Now, don’t get me wrong, rational decisions are great… as long as they’re not just a way for you to hide your dreams under a spreadsheet (man, I love a good spreadsheet, but I digress).

I’m not exactly sure why I’m experiencing this shift. Maybe it’s age. Maybe it stems from building and recalibrating businesses over the years. Or maybe it’s the quiet exhaustion that comes after trying your best… and watching some things still not go the way you’d hoped.

But whatever the reason, I know two things:

I miss the version of me who trusted her gut …

and I believe to my core that personal agency — that deep belief that we can choose, can act, can shape our lives — is the very definition of living fully.

As Annabel Monaghan writes (through the voice of her main character in Same Time Next Summer):

Same, friend, same.

And I don’t want to anymore.

And even more important than that personal want, there’s never been a time (at least in my lifetime) when we’ve needed more people to put the bumpers down and stand strongly in their own agency.

But here’s the thing: before we can lower our bumpers, we need to realize or acknowledge that our bumpers are up.

Losing touch with agency often isn’t dramatic. It’s subtle. It sneaks in. It can be as small as deferring a decision you used to trust yourself to make. It can be feeling momentarily paralyzed by choices that, just a year ago, would’ve energized you. It can be as simple as telling yourself, “This is just easier” when your internal knowing whispers, “No, it’s not.”

All this thinking and mulling has pushed me to dive into the five core tenets of agency — and asking myself some hard questions:

Self-direction: Am I setting my own goals, even when the world keeps shouting its own?
Autonomy: Am I acting according to my values, not just reacting to circumstances?
Self-efficacy: Do I still believe I can figure things out — even when I’ve stumbled?
Initiative: Am I taking that first step again, even when I don’t feel fully ready?
Self-reflection: Am I truly listening to myself, especially when the outside noise is so loud?

I’m not sharing this now because I’ve fully relocated my agency. I’m writing it because I know I’m not the only one who’s reached a point where agency doesn’t feel automatic anymore (or maybe never has).

But here’s the good news: reclaiming our agency doesn’t require a full-on reinvention. It can start with something quieter, smaller.

Like choosing what you want instead of what’s expected. Or taking action before you feel fully ready. Or not waiting to act until you’ve triple-checked every scenario. (Spoiler alert: over-analyzing never leads anywhere fun. I have a black belt in it, and it’s added zero ease to my life.)

It can be as simple as trusting our own voice, our own deep desires, our own instincts.

I’ll leave you with a second quote from Same Time Next Summer:

“I did the right thing. I know it. But I’m exhausted. Breaking out of a life that’s not working is a lot of work. It might have been easier to have kept doing what I was doing for the next fifty years.”

Or in other words, (re)claiming your agency might not be easy and it’ll likely ruffle some feathers, but in the end, it’s going to feel damn good. It—like you—is important, worth it, and necessary.

Here are a few questions I’m journaling through. Maybe they’ll spark something for you too:

What's one small choice you could make this week that feels fully, completely yours?
If you could reclaim one piece of your personal agency today, what would it be?
Who in your life might be quietly inspired by watching you trust yourself again?
What’s one way you could model personal agency for others — even in small, everyday ways?

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with a friend who may also enjoy it!